Fretless

If commitment is the cake (or pie), intimacy is like the icing (or whipped cream). If you eat icing by itself, though delicious and sweet, it will almost always make you sick later (Proverbs 25:16). It is most enjoyed when perfectly paired with its mate, the cake.
Intimacy is the reward of commitment.

I recently finished reading, I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. I purchased it on a whim based mostly out of its curious title. I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of insight and teaching I found within its 208 pages. I felt obligated to share what God chose to highlight while reading this poignantly controversial book...


Too many relationships today are all icing. That's one of the main points made in I Kissed Dating Goodbye. They lack commitment and focus on intimacy, so the relationships often fail miserably or end prematurely. As a result, many people meander through life, one short-term relationship after the next. Commitment goes hand in hand with spiritual maturity and selflessness. Unfortunately, today's dating game lacks these virtues and has become a selfish and empty activity. Culture urges us to obey our hearts and indulge in one another. Toss commitment out the window, take what we desire, and then move on if the "passion" dwindles. This lifestyle is greedy, destructive, and sets the stage for unhappiness. The desires of our heart can be deceptive and confusing (Jeremiah 17:9), but God is all-knowing (1 John 3:20). And one of the most essential things He desires from us is purity.

Purity isn't a line to be crossed; it's a direction (2 Timothy 2:22). This truth socked me right in the eye. I've always been particularly proud of my level of self control - able to hover dangerously close to the "line" that I had drawn for myself, but never quite going past it. How mislead I was! Striving for purity isn't measured on a Richter scale; it's a daily attitude and lifestyle. What is considered unpure anyways? Premarital sex is a given (Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:2). But how about alternatives to sex? Groping? All awkwardness aside, a kiss could even cause us to stumble! What?! Intimacy awakens desires in our hearts that can be overwhelming for our weak body (Matthew 26:41). Any kind of intimacy (the icing) is truly reserved for and optimally enjoyed by a husband and wife (read any passage in Song of Songs). Something as seemingly innocent as a kiss can catalyze the mind into regions we never knew existed. Of course, everyone has varying degrees of self-control. You might be able to bestow a kiss and leave it at that. But why put yourself (and someone else) in a situation where temptation briefly takes on superhuman strength (Ephesians 4:27)? Why did I? Because we're broken people that think we're invincible; when actually we're in need of redemption. God promises that no matter the level of temptation, there is a safe passage through Him if we choose (1 Corinthians 10:13).

I have to constantly remind myself to focus on things that are pleasing to God (Psalm 19:14, Philippians 4:8). And at the rate my mind wanders, reminders are required about every 30 seconds... This sounds kind of extreme, but lust is every bit as extreme. Lust is devastatingly pervasive throughout our minds (especially guys'). Most of us would be appalled if someone discovered our murkiest, filthiest thoughts. The truth is, God sees it all. Jesus told the masses that lust is far more serious than it appears (Matthew 5:28). It is imperative that we recognize its power and gouge it out.

So the title, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, gives the impression that the author has completely given up on the idea of dating. And for the most part, that's a correct assessment. Dating has its flaws, but the truth is that we are far more flawed. We have made modern dating all about me. "How can I be pleased in this relationship? How will you reciprocate after I do something for you? I want you all for MYself." According to society, when boy meets girl and there is a mutual attraction, start dating. However, this trend completely neglects one of life's greatest blessings - friendship. Instead of viewing every girl/boy as a potential romantic partner, start viewing them as someone you can share God's love with. View them as a brother or sister in Christ. Earnestly seek God's will and all the rest will be given to you (Matthew 6:33). There are few things more attractive in my eyes than a woman who resonates with Christ's love.

Joshua Harris offers a new way of pursuing romance. Instead of diving right into a relationship with the first person that likes you back, take things slow. Pursue a deep level of friendship with all kinds of people. Replacing one-on-one "date" situations with parties and other group settings (you can sometimes learn more about someone by watching them interact with others). The point being, don't make relationship hunting a top priority. Pray that God would reveal someone to you in His perfect timing. After all, being single is not a lonely curse; it can serve as a blessing with the right attitude. Embrace singleness, and allow God to use you all the more.

After developing a dynamic friendship with someone you could see yourself with forever, pray for God's blessing and peace. Joshua Harris outlines the last stage of his approach to dating - courtship. This is a relationship with the obvious intent of marriage. Striving for purity still applies here. In fact, it is the most important time to stay pure because temptation will be peaking. During courtship, both man and woman are fully prepared for serious commitment. Not commitment like "I'll buy you a flower every month since we start dating." I'm talking about commitment when the man says, "I will win your heart, love, protect, and accept you with all your flaws." And the woman says, "I will give you my heart, love, support, and accept you and your flaws as well." But the ultimate level of commitment is when both adamantly agree to make God the absolute priority in their lives.

This book is in no way 100% correct about everything. And Joshua Harris definitely proposes a radical method of dating. Therefore I am still mulling over numerous topics. It was written by a man just like me, who struggles on a daily basis with sin. However, it is chock full of scripture and Biblical truth; it focuses more on how to seek God rather than act as a "Relationships for Dummies" manual. I found it to be quite encouraging, refreshing, and self reflexive. I would strongly recommend it to anyone, but especially to those hopeless romantics like myself....


Photos by Josh Thomas @ http://www.flickr.com/photos/abracadaverr/